Hello family, friends, people I collaborate with, members of The Creative Link Network who Iv connected closely with or only just connected with, people I still can’t wait to work with! People I’d love in the network!
I haven’t posted anything on TCL about my health at the moment and as I am the CEO & founder and the woman behind it I would like to share with you this blog.
As the website traffic is slowly building I decided to make a what’s app broad cast list for all official TCL signed members as well as previous members from our what’s app groups and anyone the wider audience out side of it who’s contacts number I have.
I wanted to let you know directly rather than publicly just via what’s app, but then writing this up become too lengthy for a what’s app message so TCL as a brand hat raises awareness, encourages kings and queens to talk their truth I changed my mind. I thought why not utilise the blog area for the first tome. Not only am I the creator of TCL but I am also a creative user & professional within the directory.
TCL will be supporting members at an extremely slow pace so this blog will fully explain why. This message is NOT about promotion but awareness. I understand how much professionals/ business owners, consultants etc will be well set against me speaking on my personal trauma through my own Uber platform. But this particular platform is heavily based around doing so. The Creative Link seed was a panted during my recovery period from a mental break down. So mental health & well-being will always be at the heart of everything we do.
I KNOW literally EVERY ONE is going to tell me to FOCUS on me. But Believe me I am and my little family we WILL get through this, with that also comes everything we are building and how we will move forward from our deep loss and me just having undergone two surgeries.
I would like to take this time to thank you ALL so much on behalf of my family and I for all your messages, gifts and love I can’t get back to each message individually at the moment but overwhelmed, loved and supported would be an understatement to how you beautiful souls have made me feel during this process of severe mental, emotional and physical pain.
Some of you may not even know anything at all about what my family and I are going through. I as a director of my partners brand Lunch Time Kitchen, my partner soon to be added as a director of TCL and also my son Emory the youngest in charge, have to put ourselves first at this time which I KNOW whole heartedly you all understand.
But I made this blog post originally a broadcast to my contacts and now to TCL members and the wider audience that would maybe like to know and most certainly those that love & care about me deeply who would like to be updated on my health and then how il positively move forward, which will be adding even more purpose to TCL with an extra foundation in loving memory of our son AZARIE-JORDAN BELL, a continuation and mixture of meaningful projects ALL WHEN WE ARE READY. NOT RIGHT NOW. TIME OF COURSE IS NEEDED & IS THE HEALER, PRAYER IS PRIORITY in terms of strengths and answers. GOD ABOVE ALL!
I am feeling weak but not defeated and as you see my passion never dies and my strength to continue never dies either. Energy doesn’t lie. Through what ever circumstances, we continue, but we take baby steps & our time. I’m 2014 I created babyStepsPND for a specific mental illness post natal depression which did not have enough awareness and a an illness I endured for one year.
Absolute trigger warning ⚠️ before you continue reading, sensitive information that will follow in relation to baby loss & brain surgery. ⛔️ℹ️ If you need any help at all with anything like baby loss & / or brain surgery I can send you the numbers that I have been given for support who can also support you.
To be honest I nearly lost faith. NEARLY!
Why my baby God, then not why me but what is this teaching me?
It has all been very surreal. To summarise as best as I can…
We lost our baby son AZARIE- JORDAN BELL on Sunday 21/02/21 at 22:00 and I was 5 months pregnant.
There was negligence I won’t go fully into it there’s that much of it that this could truly turn into a book.
From Dudley Road City Hospital, to Russell’s Hall hospital and finally to Queen Elizabeth it’s been shocking, heart breaking, traumatising. However I thank God to be alive above all else. God managed to still guide & work through the right individuals to have me writing this now.
With a string of physical conditions but the mental and emotional breakdowns lasting a long time as a trauma response from all the health conditions I have; lazy eye correction surgery, ASD hole in the heart Closure (Birmingham Childress hospital) SLE possible connective tissue disease (lupus/rheumatology department City hosp previously seen once with severe pain at Sandwell Hospital also at a hospital in Kingston, London when I was off uni for weeks in 2012) it was hard when doctors investigated and said there was nothing wrong to later find something wrong. 2020 I was diagnosed with idiopathic intracranial hypertension (IIH) which is pressure and too much fluid on the brain, unknown cause.
I stayed at city hosp early stages of my pregnancy I had found out after planning my baby with my partner just before the diagnosis of IIH. This was very become very difficult and a major strain on my body, vision going blurry head feeling like it was hit with a brick.
I had very swollen optic nerves diagnosed at spec savers and hospitalised immediately.
I had a lumbar puncture, so much negligence as both an inpatient and outpatient. I was told I had to be monitored weekly or I could have lost my vision and my pregnancy hormones aggravate the condition which left me feeling very scared and helpless. I felt confused and unsure about what was being explained to me as my head hurt too much. So I pleaded for information in writing which is protocol anyway as rheumatologists write letters for me at length, very informative & descriptive so I couldn’t understand why another department was so not informing myself and GP of my progress or lack progress should I say. I managed to change my consultant then wanted to be transferred to QE as it has the specialists for neurological surgeons etc.
I went Russell’s hall a lot later down the line (last week or week before .. brain fog )
I think I managed to catch covid19 from being sent to AnE after being turned away from maternity because I was 4 days off their 20 week mark to be seen in their department.
Anyway they left me without urgent medical attention after there being signs of losing my baby at 6pm, having contractions in feb when due in July I knew this because I have a child already for 4.5 hours I was waiting for urgent medical care.
My king and I spent the night with our son, RH hosp apologised repeatedly, different staff started to investigate and question us. Not in a normal condolence kind of apology way but an apology where they knew they went wrong. They sent up a pals representative, sister of ward the next day because again they know where they went wrong.
Covid restrictions are crazy and yet they said whoever I want / need to visit they can stay and they will make it happen 🤔
Why would they risk this?
I got transferred to QE because of my recent idiopathic intracranial hypertension diagnosis, after being left in the dark from a 2 week stay in city and 5 out patient appointments with no follow up info I asked to be transferred, I was told il be called weekly to see how I am, I was told it was imperative to be seen weekly too, I had no calls to check on how I am.
The transfer took 4 weeks to QE from city which I had to chase up. When I made a complaint I got an appointment that same week! My condition unfortunately didn’t get any better. But my specialist appointment at QE was for the day after I went to ANE at Russell’s hall where I was due to have my baby so advised by my community midwife to go because of vomiting, not holding down food and abdominal pain. This was all quickly dismissed and overlooked when I shared my other conditions and most especially when they gave me a rapid swab for covid as my temperature reached 39.7 this was at around 9pm. When I arrived at 2:00pm they heard a strong heart beat of my baby before sending me off to AnE. They were treating me with fluid and antibiotics for an infection on the brain before the positive covid test and moving me to isolation without telling me I was positive. I just over heard a conversation.
Although city was going to have to transfer me to QE anyway because it was likely I needed the shunt surgery I was only reassured about it at Russell’s Hall Hosp that it shouldn’t affect my baby so I could finally put my mind at ease, anxiety had been building up about it for quite some time and I had been doing so well with my mental health. March would have been the first year in 7 years I haven’t had a full blown mental breakdown. But city’s lack of correspondence, communication along with negligence was triggering to say the least. I felt like I had made the right decision to have my baby at Russell’s Hall near my home I but remember for my brain the specialists are here at QE. I didn’t want to miss my appointment at QE after waiting for such a long time. All the different hospitals may be making thus so confusing!
2016 – Lupus SLE possible connective tissue Diagnosis – recommended lupus specialists at Dudley road city hospital
2020 – also city eye emergency and general hospital for IIH
2021 – QE for shunt surgery specialists
I can go in more depth as to things that weren’t handled correctly. But let’s get back to present where I managed to get my first appointment with the specialist at QE missed it for being diagnosed with covid at Russell’s, told il be sent home after MRI scan, fluids, antibiotics, morphine and neurological check. Got an appointment rearranged with specialist at QE about surgery n current condition of iih sooner as it couldn’t wait anymore.
I had a lumbar puncture here at QE, horrible procedure they don’t/ can’t put you to sleep. Medication to drain fluid didn’t agree with me maybe due to early pregnancy but I continued in the hope of not having to resort to surgery whilst pregnant. But obviously I then lost my son. Akeem and I believe Azarie sacrificed his life for mine or my vision. Like mommy & daddy family first. Selfless & unconditional love.♥️ our baby fought a good fight with me but the pressure for me was intense so i can’t bare the thought of any pressure on him.
I was being held at Russell’s Hall where they got Eye drs to check me. They said there is no improvement with the swelling this is why I went to QE immediately then had my LP.
I’m exempt from masks but had to wear them n couldn’t breath. The journey in the ambulance from Russell’s to QE was a living night mare my throat felt blocked they said as I’m positive with covid I have to keep it on.
I can’t remember when I got to QE exactly (brain fog)
My memory is not good right now but I think I had my first surgery to fit in a shunt that drains the pressure & fluid from my brain to my stomach to take pressure away from my head on Sunday. So the surgery took place following Sunday after losing my baby son, Akeems little boy too Azarie – Jordan Bell.
Unfortunately when they measured the pressure with a special device the next day they realised the shunt they fitted wasn’t working how they wanted.
So they had to operate for a second time to adjust the shunt.
So that second surgery was today 02/03 this was my gender reveal day. But what’s been already revealed is that, that little fighter we really thought was a little princess was a little prince and now our angel baby up in heaven, looking down on us.
The doctors will let me know if everything is successful with this second shunt 03/02 after measuring the pressure with the special device again. But so far so good, talking wouldn’t say walking. But things looked good from a theatre critical urgent care point of view in perspective of the shunt doing what it needs to but the moment of truth is the pressure which I know WILL be okay 👌🏽 Because God has got this.
My God is love. My God is light. My God is lifting us. My God has my son in heaven, he covers and blesses my son on earth myself, the love of my life and my whole family we are covered. You are covered your family is covered but just believe.
This is in Gods hands and I know he won’t let it fail me. I’m not walking good yet, my throat hurts due to the tube they put down my throat to help me breathe.
But I had a heart scan / ECG because of the hole in my heart I had closed at 14 sometimes I have challenges with shortness of breath and coughing (not since covid it’s been years I noticed I could do certain breathing exercises in music & PE in primary school) .
I keep kind of choking, something feels blocked ECG was good, perhaps it’s only anxiety. I can’t sleep, the more tired I get the more I get chest pain and my breathing is different so it concerns me just a little. But we shouldn’t fear anything but our mighty GOD, God said BE STILL. I’m waiting for a duty dr. It’s been hours now. I was so ready to sleep as my mental health meds induce sleep. But not tonight.
As I release slow breaths in and out I am releasing worry. Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.♥️✊🏽
Lord, I am thankful for the surgeons you put in place to treat me, I am thankful for the loving people you have put into my life. The ones who don’t have my interests at heart you removed.
The creative and powerful people doing powerful things in The Creative Link network is such a blessing I pray lord that you continue to bless and cover them. I pray lord that the measurement of pressure in my adjusted shunt is where it needs to be for this second surgery to have been fully successful. I pray lord that I start breathe easier. Praise your holy name, AMEN 🙏🏽
Thank you everyone for asking how I am, or me just being in your thoughts, thank you for your continued support.
I should be home for Emorys birthday 09/03/ 🙌🏽🧘♂️I feel the shunt heavy on the left side of my head neck and the wounds on my stomach won’t allow me to stand straight and my breathing gets worse when I try.
Il continue to keep trying though. No giving up. Baby steps and my son in heaven won’t let me fall. 🙌🏽We will fight for Azarie- Jordan Bell, me his proud mommy, Akeem his proud daddy, Emory his proud big brother, A TEAM and all the rest of his family that didn’t get to meet him was here he was beautiful, he is our angel.
Il always share the link
You can make a profile for yourself, business, brand we are more powerful together, creativity as therapy, turning pain into purpose & the power of collaboration. To know more pop me up, positive distraction right now but a REAL dream to contribute to positive social change 😊
TCL is a merge of everything I AM passionate about, but for the people. Every time I hit rock bottom, after every break down or trauma it was so hard to build back up my network, my portfolio so from personal experience this is needed. Encouragement to talk about physical & mental health, encouragement for passion collaborations to help each other GROW! The podcast! Here’s a powerful one:
The events after covid, the empowerment, the motivation, the inspiration & elevation.
This is not just a business to me it’s a movement a catalyst for change. So yes it’s fitting to this hospital update because I will be continuing with youth empowerment, community engagement WHEN I AM A LOT BETTER physically a lot more healed mentally & emotionally. But I will ALWAYS be healing from this.
TCL’s network is growing lovely ♥️TCL young kings and queens programmes and show is one of my proudest moments up there with giving birth twice now, getting my degree and the two brain surgeries as scary as they were.
TCL has now launch artists management. @therealcourtneyclarke 🏆.
TCL will continue doing projects for post natal depression as we were, now baby loss & bereavement, mental health management and more will be delivered too.
Because the A TEAM above all else but the charitable aspect of TCL supports my own mental health, others mental health & brings so much joy to me as well as opportunities for others.
If you KNOW me you KNOW me, for once I won’t apologise for the long message. I will not apologise for sharing The Creative Link because quite frankly it does actually link to everything I am saying no pun intended.
Please do not think I want or need sympathy I just want to be lifted and covered in prayer by others as well as me and mine. I want the same for the love of my life, my son shines, mom, Nan, keemz parents nanny P, gran pops PB, Keemz siblings, cousins and the rest of my family.
Those who sent flowers, cards, food, the kindest words on posts and directly to me. I am so overwhelmed. I feel so blessed, so covered, so improved mentally so shocked at how well I am handling this despite my previous sudden reactions and delayed reactions battling with mental illness and ill health, inappropriate behaviour or just complete breakdowns. Now I am very much aware, in control of my emotions and at peace even through all the pain & destruction .
Further updates after pressure test of course if you want any more updates that is. They won’t be as long as this, but just let me know if you prefer to be removed from the broadcast no judgement no offence taken.
🎶Yeah, this right here (tell me why)
Goes out, to everyone, that has lost someone
That they truly loved
Life ain’t always what it seem to be (uh-uh)
Words can’t express what you mean to me
Even though you’re gone, we still A team
Through your family, I’ll fulfill your dream (that’s right)
In the future, can’t wait to see
If you open up the gates for me
Still can’t believe you’re gone (can’t believe you’re gone)
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still living you’re life, after death
Every step I take, every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
I’ll be missing you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Thinkin’ of the day, when you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
I’ll be missing you
One black morning
When this life is over
I’ll see your face
Every night I pray
Every step I take
Every move I make
Every single day
Every night I pray
Every day that passes
Is a day that I get closer
To seeing you again
Purpose -God, JOW, ALB, EJWS, AJB [A TEAM]
Continuously sharing my truth & my journey for who ever it may inspire.
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